


Melting Your Tongue, Melting Your Heart

by Thinker109



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Heinz is a good cook
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23637073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thinker109/pseuds/Thinker109
Summary: Heinz starts to teach a cooking class, Monogram is obviously suspicious and sends Perry to see what's afoot.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	Melting Your Tongue, Melting Your Heart

He landed in his chair with a plop, ready for the briefing. 

“Hello, Agent P. Our sources tell us that Doof has started teaching a cooking class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This might be a cover for something more sinister. Go find out what he’s up to and stop him. Good luck!” Major Monogram said, as Perry hopped into his hovercar with a salute. 

“Oh, and don’t forget to take off your hat, you’re going undercover!” Monogram shouted after him, and Perry quickly complied, taking off his fedora.

He parked across the street and walked into the building, looking around at the numerous island counters with sinks, ingredients, and cooking implements. He noticed a familiar head of red hair and saw Linda standing next to Charlene. Hmm. That would make things slightly harder.

He started when a reedy voice called him over. “Hello! Are you here for the cooking class? I’m teaching for free since I’ve got some free time lately so step-ins are welcome. You can go wherever, there’s a stepstool in the clos- oh right, you probably can’t reach the handle. I’ll get it for you and then we can start.” 

His nemesis walked over to the closet and returned with a stepstool. He planted it squarely behind the frontmost counter, so that Perry would be visible at all times. Well. No room to breathe. It was fine, Perry had done more than just espionage in worse circumstances, but now he would be fully visible to Linda, were she to glance only a few feet to the left of Doofenshmirtz.

The clock struck 10 and the class began.

Doctor D clapped his hands together loudly. “This is a class for beginners, so we’ll start with something simple, like a breakfast food, and then move on to a lunch food next class. Let’s get cracking. Literally!” He chuckled at his own joke and opened up a carton of eggs.

“We’re going to make a hearty breakfast omelet, because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You need to get those carbohydrates in your body to start your day right!” He turned up the stove dial and set down a pan. “Now before we start, you gotta be prepared. Roll up your sleeves and tie back your hair. You can also choose to wear an apron if you don’t want to accidentally mess all your fancy clothes up.” He rolled up his sleeves and watched approvingly as everyone complied.

"So you see the dial for the bottom leftmost burner? Yeah, crank that baby up to around six-ish, slightly above medium.” He turned the dial and felt a slight wave of heat beneath his elbow.

“Okay, now there should be some butter on your counters, I put the right amount so that if you slice it in half there should be enough for each person. If you just drop half a chunk into the pan and swirl it around you should be good.” He proceeded to chop some of the butter into his pan.

“I personally don’t like using salted butter ‘cause it gets all weird-tasting and messes up how much salt you want on there. Also, it’s generally less healthy. Now you should see that carton of eggs near you. Since we already put the pan on and we don’t want the butter to burn, we gotta do this part kinda quick.” Doctor D grabbed two eggs and cracked them neatly on the edge of a small bowl.

“Now this is kind of nitpicky, but cracking eggs on a flat surface means that you’re more likely to make small, annoying shards. It’s cleaner to crack it with a knife, or in this case, the rim of a bowl.” He poured some milk into the bowl and started whisking the mixture quickly, a faraway look in his eyes.

“Back in Gimmelshtump, I sometimes had to cook for my family if Mother wasn’t feeling well. One time, I miscracked the eggs and my father cut his tongue on a piece of shell.” He shuddered. “It’s not particularly fun to have your face mashed into perfectly good eggs.” He put one hand up to a myriad of small white lines along his right cheekbone as he continued stirring with one hand.

He stopped whisking the eggs and milk and turned the bowl towards everyone watching. “You see all this nice fluffy froth? Yeah, that’s the good stuff, come on now, show me how fluffy it is!” He nodded approvingly at most of the mixtures before eyeing Perry’s with a calculating glance. “You whisk that harder, man.” He called, and poured his own very fluffy mix into the pan with a satisfying hiss.

“Alright!” He clapped his hands again, calling the attention of everyone. “If you want some of that protein to start your day right you gotta get some _meat_ in there!” He picked up a frankfurter which had previously gone unnoticed on a wooden board.

“There are many ways to slice and dice these babies, but since we don’t have a lot of time, we’re just gonna cut them into classic cylinders. If you cut off the ends like so-” He chopped them off with a flick of his wrist and sent them into the used bowl with the same movement. Perry was in slight awe at how fast and evenly Doctor D sliced, no extra movement, just a rapid spiral of the knife flashing in the light.

Perry watched and carefully copied the motion to the best of his capabilities, but the knife still felt wrong and uneven in his paw. He looked around and saw everyone else was doing okay, if not anywhere _near_ Doctor D’s professional mastery of the knife.

He looked up when he felt a hand on his wrist. His nemesis had come up behind him and was adjusting Perry’s grip on the knife. Perry was suddenly all too aware of his heart thudding madly in his chest at the uncomfortable proximity to his nemesis.

“What’s your name? Steven? You’ve been holding that knife all wrong. You gotta hold it like _this_ ” The knife felt weirdly uncomfortable for a moment before melding into his paw like it belonged there. “There we go!” Doctor D didn’t let go of his hand like expected, instead holding it and slowly showing him how to chop the sausage.

Perry blushed a bit under his fur as his nemesis walked back to the front, completely oblivious to how flustered he had left ‘Steven’.

Doctor D flipped the omelette and added the sausages quickly before the omelette reached the pan in a practiced movement. “Now this is a bit hard for all you people who don’t have such great hand-eye coordination, so you can just add the sausages around the eggs, on the side, if you want them juicy, or on top, if you want it to look nicer.” 

“Now’s the point where we add salt, pepper, and garnish. You gotta do it while it’s still in the pan so the flavor is cooked into the whole thing.” He grabbed a salt shaker and shook out about a teaspoon’s worth onto the delicious-looking omelette. 

He added some cilantro leaves on top and turned off the stove, flipping the pan so that the omelette came out with a neat plop into the plate he had magically prepared in the few seconds he wasn’t dancing around, helping or cooking. He smiled at his dish, steam rising from the fluffy, mouth-watering omelette.

Perry gulped down his saliva and carefully took his omelette out of the pan with a spatula.

“Now comes the fun part!” Doctor D grinned and picked up a fork and knife, “You can dig in now or take it home ‘cause class is over!”

Perry sliced off a bit and put it in his beak, marveling at the wondrous taste. Normally all he ate was platypus food, sometimes OWCA lunches, coffee, and- “Mmmmh” he moaned. Yes, the cilantro tasted _amazing_ with the fried sausage and the omelette he had worked so hard to fluff. 

He glanced briefly at where Linda was in case she heard or saw him, but she had left already. Good. She hadn’t noticed him.

Doctor D was similarly ecstatic with both how his class and how his omelette came out. “Yesh!” He said, through a mouthful of eggs. It _did_ feel satisfying to eat your own food. Delicious. 

He watched the platypus leave, back of his brain tingling. Something was familiar about the way Steven walked. Hmm. He put away the stepstool he’d gotten out for Steven and gave a satisfying sigh. He hadn’t felt good like this in years, except when being thwarted, of course.

Perhaps he should change professions and go into cooking...


End file.
